Our past wounds can make us feel as if we don’t deserve the good things in life. Therefore, even when your relationship is doing well, you might find yourself sabotaging your relationship subconsciously.
You sabotage your relationship when you pick up unnecessary fights, push your loved ones away and set unrealistic ultimatums. You complain that things never work out for you, and yet you played a major role in sabotaging your relationship.
Are you guilty of self-sabotage? Are you, consciously or subconsciously putting obstacles that stand in the way of your happiness?
Before we look at how you can stop self-sabotaging your relationship, let us look at why you self-sabotage in your relationship
Why do you self-sabotage your relationship?
Low self-esteem and low self-worth
When you feel that you are not good enough, you tend to push other people away, rejecting them before they reject you. You feel that your partner may not appreciate you enough to stay with you in the long run and you take it upon yourself to leave them before they leave you.
Fear of Commitment
You have a twisted idea of what a relationship looks like and you fear that once you commit to this relationship, it might take away your independence. As a result, you avoid any form of affection and attachment. When you realize a relationship is becoming serious, you find a way to push your partner away.
Your attachment style
Your attachment style is the way you deal with relationships. These styles are learned from our upbringing and the attachment styles given in childhood can influence the kind of relationships you form today. When you have an anxious attachment style, you desire intimacy but fear rejection. This can arise from abandonment in childhood which makes you fear that people will always leave you.
As a result, you project these feelings to a partner managing to alienate them. Another attachment style that leads to sabotaging is the avoidant attachment style. Lack of emotional connection in childhood taught you to be self-sufficient and as a result, you don’t welcome any attachment to anyone. Every time a relationship partner gets too close, you avoid being attached to them.
How you can stop self-sabotaging your relationships
Knowing what can cause you to self-sabotage your relationships, here is how you can stop the self-sabotaging and enjoy happy relationships
Become aware of your self-sabotaging behavior
You cannot resolve something when you are not aware of it. When you understand self-sabotage well, you start working towards resolving it. Take notes of behaviors in your relationship that lead to unnecessary fights such as refusing to talk to your partner about negative emotions and instead drawing away from them and hurting them in the process.
Understand your attachment style and that of your partner
When you know your attachment style, you will be able to catch some behaviors before they get out of hand. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, this will help you know that you are likely to push away your partner for fear of rejection even when they have no intention of rejecting you. It will help you evaluate your behavior before you do something to self-sabotage your relationship.
Self-awareness is the best thing you can ever give yourself. By becoming self-aware, you learn your strengths and limitations. Self-awareness also helps you improve your self-esteem and self-worth. When you know your worth, you will not always be afraid that someone will leave you all the time, to an extent of sabotaging your relationship. On the contrary, you will be confident of the value you bring to the relationship and know that even if your partner ever leaves, it has nothing to do with your worth as a person. I have a great self-awareness course that can help you improve your self-worth significantly.
Have an honest discussion with your partner
When you open up communication channels with your partner, you understand each other’s attachment styles, childhood wounds, past experiences and all the other factors that influence the kind of relationship you create with each other. This way, when you are having doubts in your relationship, you can open up to your partner about your fears and seek assurance from them especially if they understand the challenges you have in forming relationships.
One of the best ways to heal from our childhood traumas and wounds is through therapy. Talking to your counsellor will help you come to terms with your childhood wounds and equip you with the right coping mechanisms to help you create functional relationships despite what you have been through. Talking to a therapist about what is happening in your relationship will also help then show you when you have valid reasons to leave your partner or when you are just self-sabotaging.
Be compassionate with yourself
You need to believe that you too deserve the good things. This way, when your relationship is doing well, you will not start panicking that something bad is coming along. Instead, you will appreciate the good days and look forward to even greater days. Self-compassion is important especially when your childhood wounds show you that you don’t deserve good things. You deserve all the good things that are coming to you.