Are you struggling with your past mistakes? Have you lived in a way that you wish you can turn back the clock and do it all over again? Do you blame yourself for all the things that have gone wrong in your life?
We have all made mistakes of different magnitudes in our pasts. How we move on from our mistakes depends on whether we choose to blame ourselves for the mistakes or be accountable for them.
I have written about how we can overcome regret and shame and live full lives. We don’t have to carry our shame as a badge but we can become accountable, stop blaming ourselves and reparent ourselves so that we can do better in the future.
Blaming ourselves for what has happened in the past makes us vulnerable to depression.
How can you stop blaming yourself and start being accountable for your actions?
Here are some tips:
- Recognize when you need to change
- Stop playing the victim
- Stop self-blaming
- Don’t conclude that there is something wrong with you
- Don’t hate yourself and wish that you were someone else
Here is how you can stop blaming yourself and start being accountable for your actions
Recognize when you need to change
Self-blame happens when you always blame yourself for all the things that have gone wrong. You blame your flaws and shortcomings. You take a look at yourself and all that you can see are your inadequacies. You start thinking about all the things that fall short in your abilities and behavior.
On the other hand, when you are being accountable, you learn to separate your behavior from yourself. You acknowledge that you may have behaved wrongly at some point and this was a coping mechanism at that point. You accept that the coping mechanism at that point was wrong and you can change.
This ability to separate your behavior in your situation and your abilities and strengths helps you stop self-blame and start being accountable for your actions. Just because you behaved wrongly at one time it does not mean that it is who you are. It does not define you.
Don’t be the victim
If you conclude that everything that you do backfires, then you will always be a victim. You will decide that there is no point in trying since whatever you try never seems to work. Your mindset changes to a victim mindset.
Accountability comes when you understand that you may have adopted some bad behaviors at some point and you have some unlearning and relearning to do.
Understanding that you may have been wrong and you can unlearn a behavior or a belief helps you become accountable for your actions. You separate what you did and who you are.
You choose to emerge the winner in your situation and not as a victim.
Stop blaming yourself
Don’t conclude that everything that went wrong is your fault. Instead, work on observing your behaviors without judging yourself. Self-awareness and self-acceptance come from being able to look at your behavior and understand it without judging yourself.
As we now know, Emotional intelligence is being able to analyze yourself and understand your emotions without judging them. When you understand them, you can correct them from a superior point of view.
Don’t conclude that you attract the wrong kind of people
When all your relationships seem to go awry, it’s easy to conclude that you attract the wrong kind of people and there is nothing you can do about it. While it is true you could be attracting the wrong kind of people, it is not a sealed fate that you will always do so.
Rather than conclude you are doomed to always attract toxic people, work on creating good relationships. You can reparent any toxic behaviors that you have developed over time and learn how to develop healthy relationships.
Don’t hate yourself and wish you were someone else
Here is a fact, you are you and you can never be anyone else. Don’t hate yourself and start comparing yourself to others.
Learn to be your authentic self and taking pride in who you are. Your perception about yourself is your strongest armor. Your self-worth is what determines what you feel about yourself.
Here are the differences between blaming yourself and taking responsibility for your action
|My flaws and shortcomings got me in this situation
|I behaved badly at that point, probably some coping mechanism or defense mechanisms, I can correct these actions
|Everything I do backfires on me so there is no point trying
|I can always unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones to make better decisions in the future
|It is all my fault
|I can observe my behavioral patterns without judgment and work on changing them
|I attract toxic people no matter what I do
|I have attracted toxic people in the past but I can learn to create better relationships in the future
|I hate myself, I wish I was someone else
|I can only be myself and it is up to me to learn how to love myself and improve my self-worth
Source: the holistic psychologist